I have made a goal to blog more often. However, I don't always have something to say about the single scene. Or my life in the shadows. So, I decided that we should visit Meridian magazine this week. They have a singles column - whose views I frequently do not share, but with whom I have much in common. Go to www.ldsmag.com and click on family, then scroll down to singles. You may or may not agree with her views - you'll only know if you read!!

A SINGLEular Experience

I just finished attending a number of workshops at the singles conference today. I was uplifted and inspired to be a better me and to do my part to achieve my goal of getting married.

The paradox of the day was when my friends gave up trying and pulled me down with them..

Have you ever felt like your friends want you to take them as they are but want you to be who they want, not who you are. Now that we've reached the end of two long days with a 2 hour drive ahead of us I am feeling very disgruntled and uncouth. I have been treated all day as though I were a joke or completely unmannered. I always leave these events entirely depressed and demoralized - despite my best intentions and efforts. The paradox comes in because I allowed my friends to read my Introspections piece and I kind of wish I hadn't. I don't feel like they get me. I am a person afterall, not a running joke that needs constant correction. I feel like I try to pep them up and try to help and all I get in return is the feeling that my friends think I am immature and annoying.

Great end to a day, huh?

One final note: we are trying to start a regional mid-singles group here and have met many mid-singles from our 9 stake group at recent activities. We have about 20 people showing up at activities. Several of those people have known each other longer and though none of us belong to the geographically targeted stakes for this conference they formed an exclusive group and ignored us at both the Friday night and Saturday night dances. How does that help to build a program?!

Can you see the pain behind the smirk? Or hear the sob behind the laugh? They're on the edge of the shadow.

14 June 2004 - Eternally Alone?

It's not ever easy being single, but sometimes it's much harder than others. A journal entry from 6 years ago:

It's difficult to begin writing my feelings again after such a long break. Especially since I stopped writing so that nobody would ever discover my most secret soul.

Although I have begun to speak openly, this past year, about my depression, it requires an entirely different type of bravery to record my "crazy" thoughts and feelings. I don't ever want anyone to know my innermost struggle. As I've begun to study more about depression, I've realized that I need to write my thoughts and feelings so that I can discover wherein lies the faulty reasoning. I am no longer ashamed of my thoughts and feelings. However, not everyone understands the nature of the beast DEPRESSION so I prefer to keep my inner struggle essentially private so I will not be judged poorly or unfairly because of my illness. Although I have been in various levels of "remission" from my Depression, it has been my nearly constant companion for more than twenty years.

My current episode began at the close of my mission though I didn't feel depressed for a couple of years. Looking back, I can recognize a resumption of my faulty thought processes as I began preparing to return home.

That was 7 years ago.

In the past 4 years I have experienced a return of suicidal thoughts, a withdrawal from friends and family, and extreme lack of confidence despite my abilities and qualifications, and a complete and total spiritual numbness.

In the past year and a half I have ceased to read the scriptures and pray. I am constantly consumed by guilt for not completing my visiting teaching assignments and because I have no desire to attend the temple.

This past 2 months the clutter has consumed my bedroom and I feel smothered and helpless. My spending is out of control and all I want to do is buy more stuff and stock up on supplies for future products. I feel remorse and worry because my credit card balances are increasing so much, but I feel like I should at least be able to have the stuff I want since I have nothing else right now - no place of my own, no husband, no children.

My astronomical debt is also of concern because I don't know when I will ever be able to pay it off. Even when I find a teaching job I'll only be able to make minimum payments - and how am I supposed to save for retirement? As far as I know, I'm my sole support for life.

Both of my sisters are talking about getting married soon. Rationally I know their decisions should have no bearing on my, but I can't help but feel that I'll be a hopeless case, an eternal spinster if they get married before I do.

I'm so lonely. I can't stand to imagine another 40+ years like this. To be, to feel, eternally alone. To put up with pity. To be someone's project. To bear others' judgment: "It must be her weight - she could stand to lose about 70 pounds and 14 inches off her waist!" "Maybe she's too picky - more likely she's unpleasant to be around - overbearing and bossy as she is."

ALONE

Right now none of these are problems for me. All of my siblings are married (except the youngest because he's on a mission) and I don't feel hopeless. I have made an effort to attend Singles events for the past year and I have "adopted" my nieces, nephews and students as my own children, as well as a few friends' kids. However, there are moments when these feelings return - it's still hard to study the scriptures and pray. I know that some of my depression is chemical and some of it is situational - being lonely. One thing I have done to fill the emptiness is throw myself into my work - easy to do since I'm a teacher. I also make a point to attend as many ward activities as I can. It helps to be close to people in my ward since my family lives so far away. I have tried really hard this past year to not let being single "define" me. I don't feel so bad about not being married when I don't think of it in terms of status or "goodness." I will continue to struggle while I'm single, but hopefully life continues to be easier as I define myself as a child of God and not a as flawed, unmarried female.

Introspections of a Nobody

I've always wanted to be the best.  It didn't really matter at what, just the best
- really at everything.  My first realizations of mediocrity came in high school.  I
realized I was not ever going to be the best at soccer.  Then I realized that I was
too timid to be the best in choir or in our district musicals.  One thing I was good
at was school. But I wasn't the best.  I didn't win awards (at least not very many)
because I was just a tad lazy - so needless to say, I was not valedictorian.

In my quest to be best, I didn't really take dedication into account.  I struggled in
college because I had never really worked in school before.  I had excelled based on
innate ability, not hard work.  As I found myself trying to choose a career path, I
discovered that I had too many interests and not enough specialization (or money) to
bring my ambitions of being best to fruition.  Did you know that there's no career
field for "best" or "best wannabe."

I still don't doubt that I could be best, but I have not figured out in which area
"best" resides with me.  I cannot be the best blogger because I am too afraid to tell
the things about me that are interesting.  I am too worried about what people will
think.

Therein, lies the problem, I think.  As a teacher, I still strive to be best - as in
better than everyone else.  I have not yet accomplished this feat, but I think my
motivation may be skewed - at least it was.  I used to want to be the best for
recognition, FAME!!  Now I have realized that my desire to be best stemmed from
wanting to be memorable.  I have always felt that people forget my existence when I
am not in the same room with them - even my parents.  I'm sure there was some
traumatic experience in my childhood that led to these feelings, but I will probably
never remember what it was.  Perhaps the fact that my mother found it difficult to
bond with me as a baby - a tidbit of information she disclosed to my younger sister
during her first pregnancy as a caution against having an epidural - a tidbit
never shared with me directly.

Now as a still-single woman of 35, I worry that I will be forgotten. I am not the
teacher the kids come back to visit.  I am not, to my knowledge, anyone's favorite
aunt.  I have one sibling out of six who calls me - and parents who expect me to do
all the calling.  I am not popular - despite the amazing number of old friends I
claim, I do not receive Christmas or birthday cards.  I have never created anyhing
memorable and I cannot see any real change in my future.  I have become a creature
of shadow.  I exist to work and help others with no real love or recognition in
exchange.

I now know why I have always desired to be best, but it brings me no satisfaction.  I
grew up in a home with little support for dreams and wishes - just academic and home
arts excellence.  There were few hugs and only slightly more "I'm proud of yous". I
grew up desperate for physical affection, but unaware that that's what was missing.
I tried to be best because I believed that was where love, approval, and fame
came from.

I have discovered that although I can plan an excellent party or activity, I am not
the person people want to hang out with at the activity.  I am not the one they want
to date and not the one they want to marry.  I am nobody.  The person in the
background providing opportunities and wishing someone would make some for me.

If you are reading this, look past the mist and "see" me.  I'm standing right there.