14 June 2004 - Eternally Alone?

It's not ever easy being single, but sometimes it's much harder than others. A journal entry from 6 years ago:

It's difficult to begin writing my feelings again after such a long break. Especially since I stopped writing so that nobody would ever discover my most secret soul.

Although I have begun to speak openly, this past year, about my depression, it requires an entirely different type of bravery to record my "crazy" thoughts and feelings. I don't ever want anyone to know my innermost struggle. As I've begun to study more about depression, I've realized that I need to write my thoughts and feelings so that I can discover wherein lies the faulty reasoning. I am no longer ashamed of my thoughts and feelings. However, not everyone understands the nature of the beast DEPRESSION so I prefer to keep my inner struggle essentially private so I will not be judged poorly or unfairly because of my illness. Although I have been in various levels of "remission" from my Depression, it has been my nearly constant companion for more than twenty years.

My current episode began at the close of my mission though I didn't feel depressed for a couple of years. Looking back, I can recognize a resumption of my faulty thought processes as I began preparing to return home.

That was 7 years ago.

In the past 4 years I have experienced a return of suicidal thoughts, a withdrawal from friends and family, and extreme lack of confidence despite my abilities and qualifications, and a complete and total spiritual numbness.

In the past year and a half I have ceased to read the scriptures and pray. I am constantly consumed by guilt for not completing my visiting teaching assignments and because I have no desire to attend the temple.

This past 2 months the clutter has consumed my bedroom and I feel smothered and helpless. My spending is out of control and all I want to do is buy more stuff and stock up on supplies for future products. I feel remorse and worry because my credit card balances are increasing so much, but I feel like I should at least be able to have the stuff I want since I have nothing else right now - no place of my own, no husband, no children.

My astronomical debt is also of concern because I don't know when I will ever be able to pay it off. Even when I find a teaching job I'll only be able to make minimum payments - and how am I supposed to save for retirement? As far as I know, I'm my sole support for life.

Both of my sisters are talking about getting married soon. Rationally I know their decisions should have no bearing on my, but I can't help but feel that I'll be a hopeless case, an eternal spinster if they get married before I do.

I'm so lonely. I can't stand to imagine another 40+ years like this. To be, to feel, eternally alone. To put up with pity. To be someone's project. To bear others' judgment: "It must be her weight - she could stand to lose about 70 pounds and 14 inches off her waist!" "Maybe she's too picky - more likely she's unpleasant to be around - overbearing and bossy as she is."

ALONE

Right now none of these are problems for me. All of my siblings are married (except the youngest because he's on a mission) and I don't feel hopeless. I have made an effort to attend Singles events for the past year and I have "adopted" my nieces, nephews and students as my own children, as well as a few friends' kids. However, there are moments when these feelings return - it's still hard to study the scriptures and pray. I know that some of my depression is chemical and some of it is situational - being lonely. One thing I have done to fill the emptiness is throw myself into my work - easy to do since I'm a teacher. I also make a point to attend as many ward activities as I can. It helps to be close to people in my ward since my family lives so far away. I have tried really hard this past year to not let being single "define" me. I don't feel so bad about not being married when I don't think of it in terms of status or "goodness." I will continue to struggle while I'm single, but hopefully life continues to be easier as I define myself as a child of God and not a as flawed, unmarried female.